Nuclear apocalypse survivor says outdoor lifestyle has cured shy bladder.

A survivor of the nuclear armageddon has revealed, in an exclusive interview with the Pumpkin Post, how the obliteration of the West has changed his life.

James Parkinson, a 36-year-old former insurance accountant from Pennsylvania, was found by PP reporters chewing on the neck of a freshly deceased doe on an abandoned highway when he agreed to be interviewed.


PP: Thank you for taking the time to sit with us, Mr Parkinson, I hope we didn’t interrupt your lunch.
James Parkinson: Not at all, raw flesh still takes a while for me to digest, so a few minutes won’t do any harm. And by the way, lunch time was over four hours ago, that old girl is my dinner, supper, and tomorrow’s breakfast.

PP: Well you’ve clearly grasped reading the sun better than we have, how else have you adjusted to life after that first nuclear warhead was dropped on Washington?JP: The first couple days were definitely a blur; both emotionally and literally. My hometown was completely vaporized, along with my friends and family, so that was obviously a big hurdle that I had to get over, but also my corneas were temporarily singed from looking at the blast, I was bumping into all sorts. My shins are definitely worse for wear.

PP: And how are you even still alive? We’ve tried interviewing several survivors, some have had skin peel off half way through, some had blisters on their faces burst so violently that they couldn’t continue, some have just died before they could answer a question; I don’t even see a scratch on you.
JP:Well I consider myself very lucky. When (the DPRK) eventually decided to liquidate us, I was in the basement fixing my fridge. The basement was my little lair back in the day, I fixed all the appliances in there when they broke. I tried repairing televisions, ovens, anything really. My father was very handy, he fixed everything in the house when I was a kid, so the same sort of principles rubbed off on me, I guess.
Anyway, I was fixing one of the shelves in the refrigerator and my back started to ache because I was leaning for a while, so I just got inside it. I closed the door behind me and carried on; well that was when I heard this huge thud from outside. Soon the ground was shaking and the fridge actually tipped over.

PP: With you inside it?
JP: With me inside it.

PP: Gosh.
JP: I know, I thought there was an earthquake so I stayed inside the refrigerator for a few minutes. Obviously the basement was torn apart when I climbed out and, well it’s all history from there. I felt like Indiana Jones.

PP: You’re obviously a born survivor, have you seen anyone else on your journeys?
JP: Yes, I actually saw that my neighbour, Rodrey, had built an underground shelter in his garden. He was always a bit of an prepper (survivalist) even before everything turned south.

PP: So where is he now?
JP: Oh I killed him for his water supplies, there were litres of the stuff down there and he was being greedy.

PP: I see. Well last question before I let you go, has your life improved in way since the world ended?
JP: Oh absolutely, it was actually a blessing in disguise, this whole annihilation thing, I’d been putting off doing my tax returns for weeks and it was the next item on my list, and now it’s just dust. So is the taxman himself, probably. I also used to have horrific shy bladder syndrome, especially when peeing in public toilets, but since I’ve become a wandering hermit and there’s no one to worry about judging me, I pee freer than I ever have. Granted there’s some blood in there now, but it’s a small price to pay.

PP: Yeah that’ll be the radiation. Anyway, you’ve been wonderful, James. Thank you for your time, you can get back to your deer now.
JP: My pleasure.


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