My Obnoxious Spotlight

Buzzfeed Video has hosted a ‘Mental Health Week’ series of videosmhw on YouTube, bringing people from all walks of life who have suffered some form of mental health issue, and let them talk about it from their point of view. It’s very interesting, and is mainly there to promote awareness of mental health, and watching a few of them at the beginning of the week that involved anxiety got me thinking. And where do I go when I start thinking about things a lot? WordPress. I’ll just get straight into it. (Jesus.)

I really want to say that, at heart, I’m not your typical 14 year old emo, but even now as I’m writing this, I’ve just remembered that Dr Marten boots are on my Christmas list…and I’m getting a piercing next year… PLUS I’ve put a few posts up on this page that included family complications and grief (shameless direct link #1), not to mention the piece that involved my questioning of the very foundations of life itself (shameless direct link #2) , but I’m not sad. In fact, at this very moment, it’s the complete opposite! I attended a very important university interview today which I think went well. I’m also volunteering at my local radio station with my friend where, with some help from some very talented individuals, we should be getting our own show up in the not too distant future.

So yeah, things are pretty good, but there is one unwelcome matter in my life that irks me on a daily basis, and I guess it’s called anxiety.

It started in college (I disregard any minor social anxiety that I faced in secondary school, as I believe that that sort of thing is an inevitable part of adolescence and growing up), namely the latter part of the first year, when I actually started to notice and process what was going on in my head. I would be walking to, from, or around college, and while I did, a distinct feeling of judgement would begin to creep and crawl all around me. I would instantly focus my entire mind set on the fact that people might be looking at me and judging me. It’s a grthe_thousand_eyes_by_cursereapeross feeling, like some obnoxious spotlight that follows me, highlighting my every feature; hair, face (acne), clothing. Someone could make a passing glance as they cross paths with me and I would assume that there was some foreign object on my face. I would hear a distant laugh and instantly conclude that I was the source of their amusement.

When I began to really think about it, I realised that, for several reasons, I was my own worst enemy in this situation, as most of the time I’m probably invisible to anyone who doesn’t know me enough to pay attention to me, so 99% of the things that people were saying or thinking about me were entirely products of my own mind. On top of this, (and I expect no sympathy for this one) I am quite a judgemental person myself. I’ll look at someone and find myself critiquing them in the split second that I see them, personality and appearance wise. If anything, I’m deserving of this vexatious voice in my head – my own low self regard is no doubt the result of the unfair, extensive judgement that I place onto other people everyday. Nice one, Matthew.

This isn’t a cry for help or anything, I neither deserve nor require any. I do classify it as anxiety, but in the end, so many others suffer horrifyingly more harsher experiences with the condition than I do, and I will admit to only understanding a miniscule part of it.

If you’re reading this and suffer from anxiety in any way, I’m afraid I can’t help much, but I can tell you this.

You’re not alone.







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